When I was younger I used to think I was Angel... by Kael Knoxton Martin (personal zine, 2024)

[lb_lee]

"When I was younger I used to think I was Angel... (you know... from Buffy?)"

Blurb: A short personal zine about fictionkin identity and having a dissociative disorder.

Why is it worth your time?: Short, simple, free! Give it a go.

Plural Tags: abuse not mentioned, creator speaks from experience, fictioneers, enmity, medical

Content Warnings: Reference to self-hate and allusions to violence.

Access Notes: Textual transcript available! Just going to post it in the comments for easy access.

Read the zine here!

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Textual Transcript

[lb_lee]

PAGE 1: Cover. This is a small sewn-together zine with a sticker of a human child emerging from an egg on the front. The title is When I Was Younger I Used To Think I Was Angel (...Y'know, From Buffy?): A fictionkin zine...

PAGE 2: Inner cover. "I struggled with anger issues as a pre-teen. I was diagnosed with a "conduct disorder"---considered a precursor to Antisocial personality disorder. They didn't know the truth--I actually had dissociative identity disorder, and my anger was due to a traumatized alter. I will never believe that having any mental illness makes you a bad person..." There is a separation to include a quote from Timmis in The Orville's season 3 episode 7, "From Unknown Graves", that reads: "Every species, every individual, is unique and should be evaluated as such." The paragraph then continues with: "...but many people judge based on pre-conceived notions, and the diagnosis was like a gaping, visible wound."

PAGE 3: At the top there are lines to represent phrases people have said about me. Bad kid, troubled, problem, I'll call the cops on you. Beneath is the quote "No one is bad for struggling." Then: "My best friend at age 13 was very much a Buffy fan, so I watched it for her. Now... I don't really care for Buffy anymore, and I don't really have an attachment to this character, but at age 13, what I saw... Angel is a 'vampire with a soul', once a true monster in every sense of the word, now cursed to feel remorse for his actions. The alter who struggles with anger is the first alter I ever remember having. in the corner there is washi tape with a moon on it and a sticker of a berry branch.

PAGE 4: Continues: "Her name is Nyx, and she has always been in pain. None of it was her fault, but I didn't realize that for too long. I blamed her, even before I knew who she was. I called her my Angelus---Angel's evil side in the show. I was aware of fictionkin communities starting around 2014, and quickly I began to believe I was Angel because of the "darkness" I was fighting. Angel searches for redemption and so was I... searching for forgiveness for what I believed to be a terrible, irredeemable part of my soul."

Page 5: a sticker of a baby bird. Page reads in large text, all capital letters: "But I was just a kid."

PAGE 6: I wasn't iredeemably evil. I was a 13 year old child with a dissociative disorder. I was scared. I hurt others, and I couldn't understand why, and I couldn't stop it." Beneath is a rough pencil drawing of 13 year old me's portrait, with half-shaved short hair and several ear piercings, with a large X drawn over the mouth to symbolize silence and vulnerability.

PAGE 7: It continues. "I wasn't a burden. I needed help. And we got it. I was diagnosed with DID at 23. My trauma specialist is an amazing woman who understands me in so many ways. And we're healing. No, we're not Angel from Buffy. And Nyx isn't Angelus."

PAGE 8: "I'm still fictionkin though." I have written my kintypes names beneath that phrase. Vislor Turlough, Casey Brinke, Jess Day, Anna Sheridan. I then continue writing: "I realized my true fictionkin status watching 80s doctor who at the age of 16." The words "doctor who" have a line extending from the title upwards to where I have written Vislor Turlough's name, indicating that he is my DW kintype.

PAGE 9: "And now I understand myself more than I ever have."

End.